Everythings going wrong ever since that one week when I was seirously unhappy, sad and down. I went to the Doctors that week and he refered me to Sutton adolesens metal health place. Well on thursday my mum go a letter from them I have, acctually my whole family has, an apointment on the 30th. Not good, I want to talk to a stranger not my family. Doesnt it defeat the object, I don't want my family yo know how crazy I am.

This week gets even worse cause I think Hayden might be ignoring me or I might have done something wrong. I'm not sure if I've mensioned him, he's me ex kinda he still likes me alot and I kinda like him but everytime I come close to even thinking that i might like him I freak out like I'm some 13 year old. Its not fair, not when I want to be with someone cause I'm lonely I really am. I want to feel someones body against mine someone I can talk to for hours. But thats probaly not gonna happen cause I cant deal with emotion without dealing with it on my arms. I cant get close to someone fro fear that they will, heaven forbid get to know me.

Well, Ithink I've ranted enough for now as no one is going to bother to read this.

Hope I'm sain enough to post agin.

Carbon Monoxide

If you happen to walk by and see
The door is cracked
Don't bother looking
My letters are on the kitchen table
For you to read
I'm sorry i'm not the daughter you needed to me to be

Now i dream
Carbon monoxide
Set me free
Carbon monoxide
Window to eternity
Please forgive me

I want to dance with you again
The only thing keeping us apart is my skin
I'll just cut and set myself free
If that's the only way you can be with me

Now i dream
Carbon monoxide
Set me free
Carbon monoxide
Window to eternity
Please forgive me

Your body's been dead since September
But i still remember
My blood whispers your name
My spirit waits for you to take me away

I don't want to live one more day
Nothing left inside me is sane

Carbon Monoxide
Carbon Monoxide
Forgive me


As with mostof her lyrics they just say what I desperatly need to tell people for my health. These are about flirting with death almost and the ampount of time I think about topping myself is extrodinary. However, I dont wish to reunite myself with someone i want to die to ecsape from everyone.

Well I thought that I would finally make use of this journal as I have been floating around for some time now.
Im not too sure why Im writing this coz I officialy hate talking about me and my life but I fell like Im going kinda crazy. Everything is going wrong. Im seriously failing my subjects at collage. My grandma just died and I dont think its even sunk in yet, even though it was her funeral yesterday. Christmas was just strange and almost not real.
I have tried to kill myself before and planed it many more times and i guess thats why Im writing this cause Im scared of myself and what Im capable of. I think if I can get it out some how it will all be good.

I'll write more later cause I think my parents will be home soon.
Even though I know that people probably wont read thins.

Goodbye